Heart to heart

As a kid in Catholic school, I grew up learning a lot about Mary. She was the Mother of God and the mother of all people everywhere. She wore a white dress and a blue veil and had a serene, dreamy expression. She also had a visible heart, one crowned with flames and pierced with swords.

Though I admired Mary’s pastel prettiness, I always thought the Immaculate Heart pictures were kind of creepy. After all, no woman I knew had a transparent chest or an exposed heart. I always found that image foreign, off-putting, and bizarre. And then I had a child of my own.

When my son was four weeks old, he spit up blood. It wasn’t much, just a threadlike strand on the burp cloth, but it sent me into a panic. Novels in which 19th-century heroines cough up blood and die of consumption flashed into my mind.

The after-hours hotline put me in touch with a helpful nurse. Does he have a fever? No. Does he seem ill? No. How much blood was it? Well, hardly any. “Take him to the doctor tomorrow,” she said, “but I’m sure he’s fine. Oh, and bring the burp cloth with you.”

The next morning my husband and I presented the pediatrician with the cloth, sealed in a Ziploc bag like forensic evidence from a crime scene. She squinted to find the line of blood, hardly visible among the pattern of bears and bluebirds. She looked Matthew over carefully and pronounced him healthy, clearly accustomed to anxious first-time parents.

I reflect on that episode now, three years later, and remember my mom’s reaction when I told her about our scare. She laughed wryly—not the response I’d expected. “Ginny, get used to this,” she said. “This is the first in a long, long line of things you’ll worry about now that you’re a mom.” And as she said that, I felt a sinking sensation in my gut, because I knew that my mom was absolutely right.

Nothing had quite prepared me for the worries of motherhood. Having lost two pregnancies before Matthew was born, I’d believed that if I could just make it to the delivery, I’d be able to let down my guard. I’d sigh with relief, knowing that he had made it safely into the world.

It was only after Matthew’s birth that the menacing nature of that world became fully clear to me. Worries prodded me at every turn. I feared kidnappers and pneumonia; I obsessed that his carseat wasn’t correctly installed. My blood ran cold at the thought of SIDS, that angel of death that visits in the night. There was someone precious in my life now—in a different way from my husband. There was a little person whom I loved with a purity and intensity that nothing else could match. And the flip side of that love, of course, is the potential for massive grief.

It was during this time that I recalled a quote I’d read long ago. “Making the decision to have a child is momentous,” said Elizabeth Stone. “It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Bingo, I thought, that’s exactly it. Matthew is out of me now, in the wide open world—and that’s a very vulnerable place for a heart to be.

I thought again of Mary’s Immaculate Heart. For the first time those pictures of her open chest began to make sense. She, like me, had chosen motherhood, and in so doing had put her heart completely on the line. I’m sure that she, too, worried about her baby’s health. Losing the teenage Jesus in the temple must have been terrifying, while watching her adult son embark on his dangerous ministry surely took massive reserves of maternal courage.

Everything else, of course, pales in comparison to the crucifixion. How she endured her son’s torture and death I will never know. I do know that it was love that kept her rooted there at the foot of the cross, even as her heart was breaking.

But if asked, I know she’d choose it all again, just as I would. One thing I’m learning is that the drive to love is more than mere human instinct. Thinking about it from a spiritual angle, loving another person is a chance to align ourselves with God and to transcend our own cautious plans for our lives.

The fear of losing Matthew is something that I’m willing to face for the sheer joy of having him in my life, for all the surprising ways he stretches me to grow beyond myself. Thanks to the experience of raising my little boy, Mary’s open chest is no longer off-putting to me. It’s something else now, something tough and beautiful and real. It’s a visceral, visual testament to the astonishing resilience of a mother’s heart.

That’s not to say that I’ve sworn off of worrying. When my adventurous son falls off the couch and whacks his head on the floor, my heart practically stops. But as I hug him and tell him he’ll be OK, the worry dissolves into something bigger, warmer, enabling both of us to move beyond the limits of our fear. I’ll be OK, too, I realize as my heart darts away from me on determined legs, ready to take on the world.

by Ginny Kubitz Moyer from the May 2010 issue of U.S. Catholic. Kubitz Moyer is author of Mary and Me: Catholic Women Reflect on the Mother of God (St. Anthony Messenger Press, 2008) and blogs at randomactsofmomness.com.

At Home with Our Faith,  Claretian Publications’ print newsletter for parents on nurturing spirituality in the home, just won the 2012 award for Best in Class from the Associated Church Press. Winner of the 2010 and 2011 General Excellence award from the Catholic Press Association. Here’s a sample issue.

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And don’t miss our popular single-page parish handouts on handing on the faith, helping kids understand the Mass, Lent, and Advent.

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Mary, Mary, quite extraordinary, part two

The rosary: There are few prayer forms that are as “kid-friendly” as the rosary. While an entire rosary might be too much for some kids, a decade of the rosary can be the perfect length for a short, yet meaningful family prayer time. Holding a sacred object is important to children, and the rosary provides that. The repetition of the 10 Hail Marys within a decade can be an opportunity to have different children lead by saying the first half of the prayer. Before each bead, family members can take turns offering a specific prayer. “This bead is for Zack’s driving test tomorrow.”

May crowning: A May crowning is a service at church devoted to Mary. Typically it opens with a song about Mary and a reading. Often a priest or layperson will give a short talk on Mary. The main part of the evening, though, is the rosary, often led by the children of the parish. After the rosary a statue of Mary is crowned with a floral crown.

Some parishes offer a May crowning a week or two after first communion and invite the first communicants to wear their special outfits and lead the crowning. “At our parish, each child processes in with a flower, and the flowers are gathered in vases in the front of church,” said Julie. “After the May crowning, we bring the vases of flowers to a local nursing home.”

For families who may not have a strong devotion to Mary throughout the year, the May crowning serves as a set-aside night to honor her. For parishes that lack a May event honoring Mary, a May crowning may be a good place to start. Most directors of religious education would welcome a parent-led May crowning.

—by Annemarie Scobey  from the pages of At Home with Our Faith, Claretian Publications’ print newsletter for parents on nurturing spirituality in the home. Winner of the 2010 and 2011 General Excellence award from the Catholic Press Association. Here’s a sample issue.

We offer very low rates for parish use, as well as our free Moms’ Night Out monthly discussion guides.

And don’t miss our popular single-page parish handouts on handing on the faith, helping kids understand the Mass, Lent, and Advent.

Follow Homefaith on Twitter.

Mary, Mary, quite extraordinary

Why pray to Mary? Why not go directly to God? For those who didn’t grow up with a devotion to Mary or a within a church culture that emphasized the rosary or celebrated an annual May crowning, the Catholic emphasis on Mary may be confusing. May, traditionally a month to honor Mary, can be a time to take a look at Marian traditions and try on a few to see if they fit.

Appearances of Mary throughout the ages: Much of current devotion to Mary has its root in her various appearances to “regular” people throughout the centuries—many of whom are now considered saints. In most of these appearances, called apparitions, a person or a small group of people report seeing Mary, who invites them to greater prayer and devotion to Jesus. (Catholics are not obliged, however, to believe in Marian apparitions.)

Mary’s appearance to three children in Fatima, Portugal in 1917 spurred a renewal in praying the rosary, for example. A shrine near Green Bay, Wisconsin was recently recognized by the local bishop as an official site of a Marian apparition—to a Belgian immigrant in 1859. Mary’s appearance to Juan Diego in Mexico in 1531, as Our Lady of Guadalupe, is at the heart of the devotion to Mary among many Mexican and Mexican American Catholics.

There have been hundreds of reports of Marian apparitions in the 20th century alone. While only eight cases so far have been officially sanctioned by the church to have a supernatural character, many of the reports have led to an increase in Marian devotion in the communities where they have occurred.

Asking Mary for intercession: Catholics do not pray to Mary as we pray to God. Rather, we ask Mary to pray with us, or for us. We know that Mary is a saint, and, as such, she is in heaven with God. Those with a relationship with Mary often regard her as a close, trusted friend who will join them in prayer. Carol, mother of two boys and two girls ages 7 to 14, says: “I often ask for her intercession in parenting issues, especially in dealing with the boys—after all, she had a boy. In the same way I would ask a friend to pray for something, I ask Mary to pray for whatever it is I’m concerned about. But the difference is I know Mary is in heaven, so when she prays, I believe it’s a stronger prayer.”   …continued next week

—by Annemarie Scobey  from the pages of At Home with Our Faith, Claretian Publications’ print newsletter for parents on nurturing spirituality in the home. Winner of the 2010 and 2011 General Excellence award from the Catholic Press Association. Here’s a sample issue.

We offer very low rates for parish use, as well as our free Moms’ Night Out monthly discussion guides.

And don’t miss our popular single-page parish handouts on handing on the faith, helping kids understand the Mass, Lent, and Advent.

Follow Homefaith on Twitter.

Mom: Forget the extreme makeover

My life looks nothing like a Mother’s Day ad.

This time of year, the newspaper is brimming with glossy pages from local department stores showcasing beautiful mothers interacting quietly and peacefully with their beautiful children.

The ads often feature muted photographs with pastel backgrounds. Mothers throw back their heads in ecstatic laughter at the sheer joy of being in the presence of their obviously gifted children. And the father (fit, tan, and back from his day at work as the president of a multinational corporation) is always looking on happily as he grills, wearing a crisp sport shirt and khaki shorts.

I’m not sure what I expect out of these ads. Realism? A picture of my own grape jelly-stained children and me with bags under my eyes and a stringy ponytail?

From the time we are little, we have been fed a notion of motherhood that is sweet and serene and wrapped in a pink satin bow. No one mentioned to me, before I became a mother, that between my own lactating and newborn Jacob’s spit up, I would likely smell like sour milk by the end of each day.

Our church sometimes adds to the myth of perfect mother, perfect child. Statues and paintings of Mary never show her in the midst of dealing with toddler Jesus in a meltdown. Yet Jesus, arguably the best sharer of all time, once had to be taught to share himself. And Mary, perhaps exasperated after an afternoon of watching little John the Baptist and Jesus together while her cousin ran errands, was his likeliest teacher.

It can be tempting to pretend to be that perfect mom with the perfect kids in the ad. With the right outfit and a pasted-on smile, no one has to know that your 6-year-old lies and your 10-year-old swears.

But I believe that when we look at a child struggling with a particular behavior, we need to keep in mind that there are adults with that same problem. If we can help our child move beyond lying or cheating at 6 or 10 or 15, we have given that child a gift much greater than if we had just pretended everything was fine.

This Mother’s Day we can take a moment to change our mindset about what good parenting “should” look like. In recognizing that change and growth necessarily arise out of difficulty, we can better embrace the parenting challenge we are dealing with right now.

Nothing wrong with bringing them up to neutral: While we’d all like to believe our kids’ behavior is “acceptable” and moving toward “outstanding,” this is in fact quite rare. As a parent, often you’re simply teaching a child how to be a civilized human being. “I never thought I’d find the Playboy site on my eighth-grader’s iPod history,” said Laurie, mother of three. “But I did, and we had to have a talk that I thought was only for the ‘bad boys,’ not my straight-A son.”

Some important work of parenting is done when children are at their worst: It is easy to love and guide children when they are smiling and sitting quietly. It is much more difficult when they are throwing a tantrum or rolling their eyes or pounding on a sibling. Yet it is how a parent handles these times that defines and shapes a child’s character.

“When our daughter was 4, she was probably in three time-outs a day for talking back,” said John. “I thought we might be scarring her for life. But now that she’s in second grade, I see how some of her friends sass their parents, and I have to say, she’s done with that for the most part—she learned where our line was.”

The parent is the emotional thermostat: While much is made of children’s ability to bring joy into their parents’ lives, this is true only if the parents are open and receptive to the joy. Joy in family life is determined by the parents’ decision to meet their children where they are and experience delight with them.

“When my kids come home from school, I am tempted to keep working for another half hour,” Sharon says. “But instead I make a point of greeting them and hugging them. And it puts everyone in a good place.”

—by Annemarie Scobey  from the pages of At Home with Our Faith, Claretian Publications’ print newsletter for parents on nurturing spirituality in the home. Winner of the 2010 and 2011 General Excellence award from the Catholic Press Association. Here’s a sample issue.

We offer very low rates for parish use, as well as our free Moms’ Night Out monthly discussion guides.

And don’t miss our popular single-page parish handouts on handing on the faith, helping kids understand the Mass, Lent, and Advent.

Follow Homefaith on Twitter.

How to solve the bully problem

Welcome to guest poster Father Robert Barron of Word on Fire Catholic Ministries and creator of the Christopher-award-winning documentary series Catholicism, airing on PBS stations. Barron is the Francis Cardinal George Professor of Faith and Culture at University of St. Mary of the Lake in Mundelein.

It is very difficult indeed to watch the new documentary “Bully” without experiencing both an intense sadness and a feeling of helplessness. The film opens with the heartbreaking ruminations of a father whose son committed suicide after being brutally bullied by his classmates. We hear a number of similar stories throughout the film, and we also are allowed to watch and listen as very real kids are pestered, belittled, mocked, and in some cases, physically assaulted; just because they are; in some sense; different. The most memorable figure in the movie is a young man, around 12, named Alex. He seems to be a good-natured kid, happy in the embrace of his family, but because he’s a bit uncoordinated, geeky, and odd-looking (his brutal nickname is “fishface”), his fellow students mercilessly pick on him. Alex’s daily ride on the school bus is like something out of Dante’s Inferno.

Savor God’s word with this easy recipe

You don’t have time to join a prayer group. Daily Mass at your parish is held right when you have to drop the kids at school and get to work. And despite your promise to pray more, you haven’t really started that either.

Take heart. If you’re serious about giving your prayer life a jump-start, we have a method that doesn’t require anything besides time in your own home and a Bible.

Slow and thoughtful reading of the scriptures has been part of Catholic tradition for centuries. The traditional Catholic practice of prayer and scriptural reading called lectio divina (pronounced lex-ee-oh di-vee-nuh—and don’t be scared off by the Latin, which just means “sacred reading”) is a way of praying with scripture that allows you to study, ponder, listen and, finally, pray and rejoice using God’s word.

Talking with kids: When less is more

Twelve-year-old Liam was having an off afternoon. He had seemed fine when he came home from school, but within 45 minutes he had gotten into a fight with his older brother, Jacob, while the two were playing ball outside. When I brought Liam inside to create some distance between them, I let him pace around huffing and puffing (and grunting) for a while before I sat him down to talk.

The conversation began with him blaming Jacob for every unhappiness. Nothing was fair. He was expected to do all the work in the house. Jacob didn’t have to do anything. Jacob didn’t get in trouble because he was older. Jacob criticized Liam for everything. Jacob got to stay up late; Liam’s bedtime was too early. Jacob got more dessert. As Liam listed all his troubles, I had a logical reply to discount each one, but somehow I knew I shouldn’t say anything at all—I should just listen. F

Spring training for parents

You bought the cleats and the water bottle; you wrote the practice times and tournament schedules on the calendar. But before you drop your child at that first soccer, baseball, or track practice, there’s one more thing he or she needs—a direct talk with you about sportsmanship.

Respect the coach: Talk to your child about what this looks and sounds like—listening attentively while coach is giving directions, responding with hustle, thanking the coach at the end of each practice and game.

Encourage teammates: Talented kids often have a low tolerance for their less-coordinated teammates. If your child is a gifted athlete, make sure he or she knows how to say, “That’s OK, you’ll get it next time,” when a teammate makes a mistake. When possible, mention that athleticism is a gift from God—one that not everyone receives—and discuss what other gifts teammates may have.

Tame the language: Some coaches are not adept at controlling bad language, especially among middle-schoolers. Be frank with your child as to what your expectations are, and ask coaches how they plan to handle bad language. Some coaches do not see exclamations of “God” or “Jesus Christ” as offensive—and children need to learn from you what’s wrong with speaking that way.

Sports are a privilege: School and behavior at home take precedence over sports teams. As much as you don’t want to pull your child out of Saturday’s game for missing homework, children who understand that participating in a sport is a privilege will grow to become more responsible.

—by Annemarie Scobey  from the pages of At Home with Our Faith, Claretian Publications’ print newsletter for parents on nurturing spirituality in the home. Winner of the 2010 and 2011 General Excellence award from the Catholic Press Association. Here’s a sample issue.

We offer very low rates for parish use, as well as our free Moms’ Night Out monthly discussion guides.

And don’t miss our popular single-page parish handouts on handing on the faith, helping kids understand the Mass, Lent, and Advent.

Follow Homefaith on Twitter.

News flash: Jesus sighting

I suspect when our kids look back upon the faith moments of their childhood, they will have memories of Christmas, yes, and the parade of Sundays of Ordinary Time, but what will really stick with them is Holy Week. I checked this out with my daughter, who said, “Yeah, Mom, the thing about Holy Week is that it’s really happening, not just something honoring what happened in the past.”

Right. We celebrate the Fourth of July, but the Founding Fathers are long gone. Likewise Elvis. Jesus, however, is very much alive, right here, with us. Theologian Luke T. Johnson in U.S. Catholic: “A dead person stands still; a living person . . .  can continue to surprise…. Every time [Christians] pray to God through Jesus, there’s the conviction that Jesus is more powerfully alive and more available to humans now than in his earthly ministry.” Wow. Imagine if we took that to heart.

PrayStation 14: Praying the Stations of the Cross with your kids

When our foster daughter came to live with us for the third time, at age 6, we took her, along with our other children, to the stations of the cross during Lent. We went from station to station on the perimeter of the church, having the kids take turns reading the stations. “Jesus fall the third time,” she read at station nine. I paused before going on to read the prayer for that station, struck by the irony that a child who was now in her third round of foster care was reading about Jesus’ third fall. At age 6, T knew all about the weight of a cross.