Your kid messes up–now what?

trouble_istock_funstock.floppedWhen children are small, we call their misdeeds “naughty.” As they get older, we may say they’ve broken the rules or are acting disobediently. Few parents use the word “sin” when describing something their child has done wrong, but when children turn away of God’s grace and instead hurt someone, they have sinned, and one of the privileges (although a difficult one) of parenting is to help our children turn back to the always-present love of God.

Acknowledge what the child has done wrong. Some parents struggle to see the good in their children and find fault too easily, while other parents only see the good their children do and are uncomfortable admitting their children make poor choices. The healthiest parents see their children as God does—as essentially good people who occasionally sin and need to be redirected into God’s love.

Bart, father of four boys, has this to say: “My wife and I have tried to respond as we think Jesus would have. To let the child know that God has already forgiven them, to assure them that we all make bad choices and that ultimately what matters is how we respond to the bad choice we’ve made. What can they do to repair any damage that has been done? How can they use the situation to help them make a better choice the next time? How can they grow in compassion for others who may have sinned against them in a similar way? In other words, we’re all on a journey of becoming who we’re meant to be and, through Christ, we can allow even our sins to become blessings to help us become those people.”

Good can come even out of serious sin. When Judy’s son Andy was arrested for drunk driving, he didn’t want his mother to come near him, he was so ashamed. But Judy prayed that she could continue to love her son as God did. “As parents we need to teach and discipline our children, but it must always be wrapped in love. We still have to face the consequences of our choices, but God’s love for us never changes,” Judy says. “It took a while for all of us to work through all the emotion.” After her son’s arrest, Judy gave her son the book Don’t Waste Your Life by John Piper (Crossway). “Andy has told me that reading that book right after being arrested changed his life for the good.”

By Annemarie Scobey, from the pages of At Home with Our Faith, Claretian Publications’ print newsletter for parents on nurturing spirituality in the home. Winner of the Best in Class award in 2014 from the Associated Church Press, as well as a First Place General Excellence award from the Catholic Press Association for  four years running. Here’s a sample issue.

We offer very low rates for parish use, as well as our free Moms’ Night Out monthly discussion guides.

And don’t miss our popular single-page parish handouts on handing on the faith, helping kids understand the Mass, Lent, and Advent.

Like us on Facebook and follow Homefaith on Twitter.

Image: © istock/funstock

“But Mom, I am too old enough!”

Cute kid, a girl, playing with a smart phone in forrest.Your child can drive at 16, vote at 18, drink alcohol at 21. But other than these big milestones, parents receive little guidance on when the time is right for the many other rites of passage. There is no set age for when a child should start doing chores, when they’re old enough to go to the mall, when they should receive a cell phone or Facebook account. Thoughtful parents can ask themselves the following three questions to help determine if the time is right for a child to take on a
new responsibility.

What will my child learn from this? Every new step carries with it learning potential. Children who are held accountable for completing a daily chore or two will be able to better handle independence later. “Clay needs to throw his dirty clothes down the laundry chute,” says Jenn, of her 3-year-old. “Some days he likes to do it, some days he doesn’t, but regardless, it’s his job.”

Starting kids with jobs young, supervising them well, and continuing responsibilities into the teen years is an important way parents can help their children look outside themselves.

“Our teenage son sometimes complains about walking the dog each day,” says his dad, Francis. “He always has too much homework, or has less time this week because of sports practices, but we make him do it anyway. We are instilling in him that responsibilities outside the home don’t excuse us from helping the family.”

What are the risks? It’s a child’s job to try to become independent from their parents—and a cell phone, Facebook account, and trips with friends to the mall will all serve that desire to separate. But it’s the parent’s responsibility to understand the threats to a child’s safety, even as children insist everything will be fine.

Children will flourish when their steps toward independence are granted with caution and attention to both the benefits and risks. Children whose independence is limited in grade school will have a greater sense of self to draw on when they’re allowed to become more independent in high school.

Bart and Terri, parents of four boys in their teens and early 20s, did not allow cell phones until high school, and then required each boy to turn in the phone at 10 p.m. “It is rewarding to have our oldest son thank us for having restricted him when he was still living at home,” Terri says. “He’s now doing youth outreach work and is interested in studies showing the effects of limitless electronic use by teens.”

How is God guiding me? Mary and Joseph didn’t think their 12-year-old was old enough to be separated from their family, teaching in the Temple, but God had other plans. Conversely, 30-something Jesus wasn’t convinced it was time to turn water into wine until his mom nudged him into that job.

A deep faith can help parents keep their eyes on a bigger purpose than the question of the moment. “I am constantly praying that God guides me as a father,” says Mike, dad of two girls. “I find that having a consistent prayer life helps me in decision-making with my daughters because I am tuned in to the bigger picture of who God wants my children to become.”

By Annemarie Scobey, from the pages of At Home with Our Faith, Claretian Publications’ print newsletter for parents on nurturing spirituality in the home. Winner of the Best in Class award in 2014 from the Associated Church Press, as well as a First Place General Excellence award from the Catholic Press Association for  four years running. Here’s a sample issue.

We offer very low rates for parish use, as well as our free Moms’ Night Out monthly discussion guides.

And don’t miss our popular single-page parish handouts on handing on the faith, helping kids understand the Mass, Lent, and Advent.

Like us on Facebook and follow Homefaith on Twitter.

Photo: ©Flickr/hypotekyfidler.cz

A family “how to” for Holy Week

Jesus on Cross RGB mjBzWKCSomeone I know who works at a busy Catholic parish told me about the time she got invited to a Thursday night Pampered Chef party by another parishioner. Turns out the date was bad for her—and for the Catholic hostess, too, had she been paying attention. The designated evening was Holy Thursday. While there was surely some food preparation involved at the Last Supper, commemorating Holy Thursday is best done in worship as a community—not by witnessing the wonders of a gourmet garlic press.

The story reminded me of someone in my extended family who made a tradition of using Good Friday as a day to go shopping with her mom at an upscale mall. My mother-in-law was aghast and tried with each passing year to convince the young woman of the inappropriateness of hitting glitzy stores on the same day Jesus died on Calvary. Continue reading

Lent: Isn’t it time for an upgrade?

computerI was doing dishes in the kitchen last week when Jacob came in and started unloading the dishwasher. While dishwasher unloading is a job that belongs to the kids, I had not yet asked anyone to empty it.

“Who are you, and what have you done with Jacob?” I said to him. Jacob smiled—he knew what I meant. While I would never describe Jacob as lazy, he usually needs to be reminded to do his jobs around the house.

“Is this a new and improved version of Jacob?” I continued. “I like it.” Continue reading

“I arise today through the strength of heaven…”

Irish_high_cross_ClonmacnoisIn honor of St. Patrick’s Day, here’s an excerpt of the great prayer known as “The Deer’s Cry,” attributed to him. 

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through a belief in the Threeness,
Through confession of the Oneness
Of the Creator of creation.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven;
Light of the sun,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of the wind,
Depth of the sea,
Stability of the earth,
Firmness of the rock. Continue reading

Try for a Lenten moment

girl ashesIf you’re feeling discouraged because your effort to give up chocolate was thwarted by the coworker who brought the birthday cake to work, don’t lose heart. Lent is not a pass/fail class. Rather, it is a journey of becoming closer to God through prayer, sacrifice, and generosity. Seeing Lent only as a 40-day block can prevent us from taking advantage of Lenten moments—opportunities that arise each day for us to deepen our relationship with God. Here are a few:

• Prayer. Between now and Easter, look for five minutes alone with your spouse. Face each other, hold hands, and ask your spouse what he or she is most worried about. Then together pray an Our Father, slowly, for that worry. Then do the same for your worry, followed by a prayer of gratitude from each of you. Continue reading

We can work it out

Ring_Flickr_arsheffieldA friend tells this story about his marriage: He and his wife were going through one of those periods that predictably happen to most marriages but that still blindside couples. It seemed that way more of his wife’s time was taken up with their young children than with him, as if they were co-owners of a small child-raising business instead of a couple who loved each other. He was starting to contemplate an early exit. He was probably imagining that somewhere there might be a woman who’d be more interested in him, who’d talk with him about things other than potty training and carpooling and kids’ swimming lessons. Continue reading

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